


Tolkien's Dirty December

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, Tolkien - Fandom
Genre: ?? - Freeform, Angry Sex, Birthday Sex, Clothed Sex, F/F, M/M, Multi, Rutting, They come in their pants, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-09 21:39:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5556503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A conglomeration of sexy one-shots in the Tolkien universe. Various pairings.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dec 1st: Birthday Sex (Thorin/Bilbo)

**Author's Note:**

> I fixed the typo in the title ! Dirt December lmao

It wasn’t that he had never celebrated his birthday, it was only that he had never had the time to. What, with his mother stuck in bed, and his father long past, Bilbo was a very busy Hobbit. Besides, it wasn’t as if an respectable citizen of the Shire would want to attend, or receive gifts from a once eligible bachelor, now turned spinster like himself. 

It wasn’t until his journey with the dwarves that he even considered celebrating once again. Now, dwarves obviously celebrated one’s birth very differently from Hobbits, and it was in Beorn’s great hall that Bombur’s birthday came around and Bilbo got a taste of what a dwarrow’s birthday party could really be. He was ecstatic to find that they were creatures of cheerfully raucous parties, with many a drink to be had, and gift to be.. given.. to Bombur. Regardless of how odd Bilbo found this practice, he was glad to gift the orange haired dwarrow with a pouch of Hobbiton’s finest pipe weed. 

It was after he had presented it to him that talk of cultures came about. It was the ever curious Kili that brought the subject around. 

“Say, Mr. Bilbo.. Hobbits celebrate birthdays, don’t they?”

“Yes, in fact, we do. Not quite the same as you lot do,” Bilbo answered,smoking a pipe of his own. Several of the company became interested at this point, wandering over to listen.

“Oh? How do your folk celebrate them?”

Bilbo hummed to himself, trying to think of how he might explain Hobbit traditions to a group so.. different from him, his culture. “The uhm.. birthday lad or lass, or otherwise ...usually throws the party themselves. A Hobbit usually..  _ gives _ gifts to his guests.” Much to Bilbo’s amusement, a good many of the company gasped, as if offended by the notion. With a chuckle, Bilbo added: “Oh, don’t worry, I won’t expect you all to go through that for my next birthday.”

“When is your birthday, Master Burglar?” asked Thorin, who was sitting at the table, a good bit above them on the landing. 

“It was a few moons ago… I believe we had just battled the trolls by then.” A pause. “Yes, that’d be about right. It was a Mersday.”

Fili and Kili gasped, leaning in forward, their eyes as wide as the empty dinner plates surrounding them all. “Why didn’t you tell us, Mister Baggins?!”

The Hobbit sputtered, a smile barely contained behind his pipe. “It didn’t seem very relevant at the time. We were all very under the weather, if you do remember, and I-”

“You should have told us.” Thorin interrupted thunderously, standing from his chair and storming out of the room. 

At this, Balin burst out laughing, covering his mouth in an attempt to muffle them. “It seems Thorin is a bit chafed at the news, Bilbo. Maybe he’d been planning something for you.”

The brothers, subsequently, burst into a flurry of laughter, knocking against each other. This, of course, left Bilbo rather red-faced as he puffed on his pipe.

***

Bilbo was just settling down for bed (and a delicious looking pastry gifted to him by Beorn) when there was a loud knock at his door. Upon opening it, he found Thorin Oakenshield in his nightclothes, head bowed as he stared at something awfully interesting at his feet. 

“Thorin?” 

The dwarrow’s head snapped up, blue eyes boring into Bilbo’s. 

“Thorin, come in. What’s wrong?” 

He did as he was asked, stepping through very slowly. “I’d like to… apologize for my outburst earlier. It is only that.. I had been planning to give you a gift on your birthday, but I.. can no longer do so.”

The Hobbit sniffed, taken aback by Thorin’s (rather blunt) proclamation. “Oh, that’s…” Bilbo paused, rubbing his hands together nervously. “That’s nothing to be apologizing for! You can just give it to me now, can’t you? Better late than never!” He replied cheerfully, stepping forward, an raised.

The dwarrow seemed uncomfortable, seemingly having a conversation within himself for several moments. Something steeled within him, and he leaned forward, down the two or three head-lengths to Bilbo’s own face. Smirking, Thorin spoke in a deep, melting sort of voice: “Are you  _ sure _ you want me to give it to you, Master Baggins?” 

With his hands behind his back, Bilbo laughed brightly. “Of course I do! Every lad likes a gift, does he not?”

“Yes, halfling, I suppose you’re right.” Still stooped over, the king kissed him. Rather gently. 

Bilbo went stiff almost immediately, but the other seemed to insist on continuing. The feeling of Thorin’s lips against his, coupled with the fact that Bilbo had been staring at that ample arse (and the personality, the beauty connected to it, of course) for months now, pushed Bilbo to respond in kind, kissing the King passionately. After only a few moments, Thorin pulled away. They parted with a smack, eyes searching each other’s with red cheeks. 

“I would like for you to warm my bed during our journey, Mr. Baggins.”

Bilbo scoffed after a moment of contemplation, still clutching the king’s arms in his small hands. “If you’re planning on gifting me what I think you are,  _ My King, _ then ‘Bilbo’ is sufficient.”

Thorin seemed to shiver at his words, eyes growing dark. “Bilbo then. Do you accept?”

The Hobbit smiled, the corners of his eyes wrinkling merrily. Perhaps this would not be so bad. Perhaps the feelings he felt for Thorin would be returned in time.  Blushing deeply, though smiling through it all, Bilbo mulled over his words. “Thorin, my friend, I would like nothing more. I accept,” he replied after a time, still grinning.

Thorin smirked beautifully, claiming the Hobbit’s lips once more in a kiss, pushing him back towards his small cot. With impressive strength, he lifted Bilbo to situate his legs around him, dragging his teeth over the Hobbit’s reddening lips. They were soon seated at the edge of the bed, Bilbo situated quite comfortably in the king’s lap. 

“Having you like this has been a fantasy of mine for a long while,” he admitted huskily, nipping at Bilbo’s jawline before gradually forming a path to the flushed column of his throat. It was quite obvious that the little creature was enjoying it, the way he was writhing about. 

“Thorin, you’re… Oh, Eru save me.” Bilbo could feel his prick hardening in underclothes, and Thorin seemed to be responding in the same manner. This caused a deep groan to rumble from them both. Oh, it had been a long time for them, hadn’t it? Bilbo could tell by the frantic look Thorin had adopted on his face. The dwarrow’s kiss-reddened lips had fallen open, his breath seemed to be coming in panting whimpers. As he had obviously been preparing for bed, had maybe even found time for a bath, Thorin’s hair was in a loose braid, hanging limply down his back. Bilbo took this opportunity to run his fingers through the dark locks, groaning in appreciation as the motion earned him a stuttering thrust of Thorin’s hips, giving them both some much needed friction. This set the king into a frenzy. With a growl, Thorin pulled Bilbo onto the bed, then flipped them both over, the Hobbit underneath him. 

“Oh, Thorin!” He exclaimed, chuckling brightly before pulling him into another languid kiss. 

This kiss gave Thorin the motivation to begin to rut wildly against Bilbo, who was receiving a good amount of pleasure from these ministrations as well. The little Hobbit eagerly wrapped his legs around the king’s waist with a high moan. Soon, Bilbo wasn’t quite sure which noises came from whom, their pleasure mounting along with their volume. 

“Ah,  _ ‘ibin abnâmulê _ , I’m nearly… I’m about to —”  With that unfinished proclamation, Thorin found his release, hips stuttering forward against Bilbo’s, who followed suit very soon after, a small hand grasping the fabric over the king’s shoulder. 

For several moments, they lay there, both smiling like idiots in the aftershock of their climaxes. “Happy Birthday, Bilbo,” Thorin murmured sleepily, tossing an arm over the Hobbit’s form.

Bilbo laughed in response. “You’ve only a few moons until the next, mind you.”


	2. Dec 2nd: Angry Sex (Thranduil/ Bard)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bard and Thranduil have angry sex (sort of..)  
> I apologize if this one's not /wonderful/, I'm not all that into Barduil.

Despite his outwardly haughty smirk, Thranduil knew he was in horrid trouble. He knew he had grown too comfortable in Bard’s court, and though he was supposed to be assisting the new king, he was learning quite a bit from him, not that he’d ever say it out loud. There were other perks, of course, but… a polite king kept such things to himself. (Not that Thranduil was a particularly polite elf, but I digress.)

Regardless of how they might mistreat him, Bard was a king of the people. Making snarky comments towards his citizens was bound to get Thranduil punished eventually, though, and he supposed now was as good a time as any. He had been egging the man on for a reason, of course.

_ If only you could make sales as much as you made merry with your shopkeep,  _ he had whispered in regard to the fruit merchant, a bit too loudly. The man was obviously a drunk and an adulterer, and though everyone knew it, it was best left alone. The Elf King knew this, yet he persisted in his scorn.

This comment absolutely set Bard off. For the remainder of the meeting, the man was absolutely fuming and glaring at Thranduil between speaking with the townspeople. He knew he was done for once this was over. 

After another hour of dull conversation, the council was dismissed. As quickly as he could, Thranduil lifted his robes to make way for his feet and rushed in the direction of his own temporary chambers in Dale. Before he could make it out of the door, though, Bard cleared his throat, still seated at the head of the long table. 

“Elvenking,” He called, brows furrowed dangerously. The Bowman’s voice was obviously dark, his teeth seemed to be gritted behind his lips. “I believe we have some business to attend to before you retire, don’t you?”

Thranduil shivered, taking a cautious step forward at the sound of his lover’s lowered voice. “I’m not aware of what you’re hinting at, my friend.” 

Bard only chuckled, beckoning the elf king towards him with one sparsely ringed finger. Hesitantly, the elf king began to obey. 

“Come here, Thranduil,” He summoned once again, more forcefully this time. 

With haste, and no small amount of excitement at the threatening sound of Bowman’s voice, Thranduil rushed towards the man, robes billowing behind him. Once he reached his chair, Thranduil was roughly tugged to his knees in front of his lover. 

The man’s fingers found the long platinum hair of his Elvenking. He still sat back easily in his seat, hips shifting as he grew comfortable. “You do know, King Thranduil, that disrespecting my citizens is also disrespecting me, aye? My authority? I’m sure we’ve been over this, my darling.” Those words shot a shiver down the elf’s spine, causing him to clutch the man’s thighs tightly. He regarded Bard with half-closed eyes, his pupils dark and wide. His voice, louder than before, broke him out of his stupor. “Answer me, Thranduil.”

“We have,” he responded, gasping as Bard tugged at his hair once more.

“We have…?”

“We have, _my_ _king_.”

With a smug smirk, Bard nodded. “Then you know that little remark was  _ out of line _ , don’t you?”

“Yes, My king.” Thranduil swallowed thickly, eyes wandering over his lover’s form, gaze faltering at the sight of his hard cock beneath his trousers. 

“And you know you have to be punished?” Bard squared his hands over his groin suggestively. “We’ll have to keep that naughty mouth of yours busy, won’t we, my spring?” The man then pulled a handkerchief from his jacket pocket, and tied the center into a knot. After rubbing a thumb over the other king’s lips, he pushed the knot against them. “There you go, darling. In your mouth.”

Thranduil took the cloth into his mouth hesitantly, holding it in between his teeth, eyes averted. Slowly, Bard tied the handkerchief around his head. 

“There you are,” the man murmured, pulling the elf king to stand as he did the same. In a stronger voice: “Now, undress.”

He did as he was told, pulling his robes off and setting them onto the table. Soon, he was in naught but his small clothes. Thranduil could feel his heart pounding in his chest as Bard, pupils wide and eyes dark stroked over the expanse of hairless skin there. Roughly, the man shoved him onto the table, looming over the elvenking. The Bowman chuckled darkly, stooping low to bite a trail down the pale skin of Thranduil’s torso. The elf moaned deeply from his throat and arched his back in response. 

“You disrespected me in my court, you shrew. You should know not to. Don’t. You. Think?” Bard punctuated each word with a bite to his lover’s skin, one thumb rolling each dusky nipple until they were to their peak. Thranduil nodded hesitantly, biting his lip and whimpering. At that, Bard chuckled, passing a hand along the lower section of the elvenking’s torso, getting lower until he reached his cock, hard and wanting. There, the man faltered for a minute, then brushed a teasing stroke over Thranduil’s member. The motion caused the elf to elicit a loud, open mouthed gasp, lifting to look down his body to where he was being touched. 

“Don’t.” Bard’s look was dark and in one quick motion, he flipped the king over with a growl. Thranduil groaned highly as the man lifted him so that his arse was on display, back arched and presenting. 

“Bard, please,” Thranduil pleaded, spreading his legs apart further in an eager motion. 

With another low groan, bard lowered himself upon Thranduil’s arse, laving his tongue over his cheeks, giving a hint of teeth. He continued like this, growing closer to the elf’s hole, incorporating bites as often as possible. Soon, he was simply sucking hickeys into his pale skin, biting roughly as his fingers sought out Thranduil’s entrance. Soon, he reached his goal, only to find that his lover had loosened himself prior to their… debacle. 

“You absolute  _ tease _ ,” Bard exclaimed, smacking Thranduil’s arse with no thought of consequence. At the loud and bit off moan the elf produced, Bard spanked him once again. “You planned this, didn’t you?” 

Thranduil laughed brightly, pushing against Bard’s fingers. “Probably,” He murmured in response, voice a dangerously thick baritone. 

The man chuckled, pulling his prick from his trousers to nudge the elvenking’s entrance, pushing the blunt head of his king into his lover. “You goddamned scheming… elven...” Soon, the Bowman was snapping his hips into Thranduil, teeth secured to the nape of the king’s neck. “You conniving… Rude..” 

Thranduil was all but screaming at this time, the table rocking with each thrust of his lover’s hips. His hands gripped the edges tightly, just as Bard’s hands hold tight to his hips as he found his release. Thranduil came soon after, spilling onto the robes spread beneath him. 

They lay there for a moment, breathing deeply and grinning through the post-coital haze. 

“Learn your lesson?” Bard asked, stroking Thranduil’s arse gently. 

“I’m not sure,” He admitted, eyes wide. “My king might have to give me another lesson soon..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bard calls Thranduil 'my spring' because his name means 'vigorous spring', apparently.
> 
> EDIT(JUNE 2016): this is going to be slow going, my doods. I'm writing a big Sherlock thing and a school thing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! All feedback is appreciated <3
> 
> mi tumblr is yagirlsameme!!


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